I vowed to be authentic when starting my blog, so authentic is what you get and really I hope it helps other mommas feel like they aren’t alone.

I have NO clue what I’m doing.

Today, I had a large hot coffee, large iced coffee and a Pepsi in way less time than anyone should, used what seemed like a whole can of dry shampoo (Dove brand, I could never bring myself to spend more than $5 on dry shampoo), and stared at my computer screen for lots of hours wishing my big project at work could prep itself while simultaneously biting the bullet and working to get it done.

Much of my evening was spent with a cluster feeding baby and trying to wrangle our cute little messes. They were a real treat tonight. Please see ornery toddler who decided to take a bath in her shirt and diaper and came prepared with swimming goggles below.

You can’t be mad at that face! She was so proud. I wanted to blog about our delicious dinner and dessert tonight, but that’s far from on my mind right now – maybe tomorrow, because it was too good not to share.

Also real life – I misplaced the keys to my office a week or two ago, just kidding a couple of months ago. You’ll never guess where I found them tonight? In my purse that’s been hanging on the back of the dining room chair for months. I don’t carry it anymore because I’ve always got sidekicks who need diapers and wipes and back-up outfits and a purse would be just one more thing to carry. And in full transparency – I very, very rarely even remember the diaper bag. It’s usually a mad dash out the door with a couple of diapers and wipes in hand, if we are lucky.

To end our night, the 3.5 month old has decided that rolling to her belly to sleep is a great idea, momma does not agree. I know, I know she rolled over under her own power and I should leave her alone, but my anxiety ain’t having that.

I’ll be awake watching her if anyone needs anything at all, embracing this Monday. It’s been messy, but blessed.

Open Hearts

This morning, while we laid in bed, and started the day with our six year old, we saw the news. So did he. His face looked puzzled and he turned to us and asked us why someone would hurt so many people. Did they hurt him? Was he sad? Was he sick?

We didn’t have the answers for him, and it would have been much easier to redirect him. Most of the time we try to shelter our children from the atrocities occuring around the world, but not today. This was the perfect opportunity to talk about loving others, praying for those affected and the person who did the hurting.

Over and over the Bible tells us to love our enemies, to pray for those who persecute us, to provide for them if they are in need. This is such a difficult concept. Even as an adult, I don’t typically think about praying for the people who hurt me, who hurt us, who hurt others. How do we teach this concept to our children, when it’s a concept that we fail at daily?

My words to our son were that God loves us all, no matter how great our sins. That we aren’t meant to always understand why things happen. That the most important thing that we can do, especially when we don’t understand, is to pray and to pray hard. I encouraged him to leave his heart and prayers open for God to guide (big concept for a little guy, but I think he got it).

What’s equally important though, is for my husband and I to lead by example, to pray out loud for those who hurt us. Our children are always watching us and leaving our hearts and prayers open for God to guide, especially in moments where we don’t understand, will show them how to do the same.

So, tonight and in the coming days, we will pray with our children for those around the world who are affected by their enemies and we will pray for their enemies as God guides us too.

I’m human.

I was working on a blog about time management, and how I really stink at it, but that’s not really what is on my heart.

I’m sharing today because I think as a mom and as a person, it’s important to know you aren’t alone and that it’s okay to ask for help when you need it.

About forty-five minutes ago, after some strong encouragement from family and one hard swallow of my pride and a pill, I took the anti-anxiety medicine prescribed to me a few weeks ago. Right now, I’m hovering between feeling like Super Man encountering Kryptonite because taking this pill means I dont have it all together (I HATE admitting this) and Super Woman because I’m acknowledging and taking control of my emotions. There is no middle ground right now and well, that has to be okay.

We’ve had a lot of stress in our lives over the past twelve weeks, and it is nothing compared to what many other people are going through. I’m really thankful for the stress. It’s such a blessing to have a beautiful baby to worry about and I’m not happy that our Suburban caught on fire but everyone is okay and it can be replaced. However, I’ve reached my limit and ability to cope without some help.

I’m a self-proclaimed perfectionist, and over doer and that makes acknowledging the above (that I need help) so hard. To top off all of the stress, post-partum anxiety is serious. I have battled post-partum anxiety after every pregnancy and with the exception of the complete breakdown I had back in 2012, I’ve never asked for help, and even then I didn’t ask.

I’m not one to talk, or make recommendations because I obviously don’t listen very well, but it’s okay to need help and it’s okay to not be able to handle it all. (Keep reminding me of this, if you see me.)

I’m not Super Woman.

Life is real.

My emotions are raw.

I’m vulnerable.

I’m overwhelmed.

I’m some kind of messy.

I’m human.

And I’m not in control, but…

God is in control.

I can pray.

I can accept His grace and mercy.

I can ask for help.

I can take medicine.

I can be human.

It will all be okay.

Know the signs of anxiety. It’s okay to ask for help, for yourself or someone else you love, from a medical professional, and you should. Because you aren’t alone, and the battle isn’t just yours. You are human and you are loved.

Failing

I don’t fail, except I do, all of the time. My heart races and tears fall when I fail, and I shame myself for letting someone down. More often than not, I’m the only someone let down. I┬ácan’t recall a time in my life where I haven’t needed to be perfect or where failing was acceptable (except for that time I quit softball, I was totally okay failing at that).

Tonight I realized that I left the baby’s medicine out of the refrigerator. Now it has to be thrown away, a $40 mistake. The feeling of failure isn’t because of the money, but because I was irresponsible and left it out.

It’s not the first time I’ve failed today or this week or this year and it won’t be the last. I’m in constant need of God’s forgiveness and love.

Psalm 37:24, NLT

“Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the LORD holds them by the hand.”

I may continue to fail, but I will never fall with the Lord by my side.